There are benefits for both the giver and receiver, out of proportion with the size of the effort needed.
This week I had a very special visitor come over from Adelaide to stay with me.
Helen is someone without whom I would never have completed my medical degree. She turned 90 this year and is still as fit and sharp as when I first met her many years ago.
I still remember leaving Canberra for Adelaide for the first time, with all my worldly goods in an old trunk, clutching a bright green pillow so that I could sleep on the long overnight bus trip. I hadn’t arranged any accommodation and had my savings in cash in a travel pouch against my body.
The Greyhound bus arrived in the centre of Adelaide early in the morning and the kind woman sitting next to me invited me home for breakfast. She had travelled to attend her younger brother’s wedding and assured me I’d be made welcome. And that is when I met her mother, Helen, who quietly sustained me through the challenging years of medical school in a city where I knew nobody and lived on a shoestring.
I found a room in a share house on the bus route to university and found a job in hospitality at one of the large hotels in the city. I did the breakfast and lunch service on weekends, cycling in at five in the morning and usually stayed on to do set function work for weddings and conference.
When I had to purchase textbooks or pay university union fees, I wouldn’t have enough for meals and would eat the individually wrapped Arnott’s biscuits for hospital visitors or spare sandwiches left by patients who had been discharged early or were fasting before surgery. I filled in the gaps with Arnott’s Shapes and instant coffee.
More than once, Helen just dropped over and left a bag of groceries for me, packed with healthy food to get me through another week. When I was overwhelmed, had relationship traumas, or failed an assessment, I would stay in her spare room, and she would make me soup and toast. I always left feeling better about life and about myself, confident I would get through another week, another semester. I even began to imagine graduating one day.
There is so much happening in the world now that fills us with despair and angst. More than once, I have had a patient feeling overwhelmed about their teenager, an aged parent or just the barrage of awful things happening around the world. It is so easy to just give up, to believe that whatever money we donate, however much we support a friend, that it makes no difference.
In July, I did a series of presentations about coercive control. With recent data from The Institute of Family Studies showing that one in three men have committed intimate partner violence it is easy to feel despair and I am always asked by participants, what can I do? It all seems overwhelming, and it is easy to feel helpless.
The important thing to remember is that none of us can provide everything that is needed when confronted with complex, social issues. No one person can provide counselling, housing, financial support, and advice about the way forward.
However, we can all be vigilant and notice when a friend’s behaviour changes or ask questions if she regularly declines social invitations. We can make ourselves available for a coffee, be prepared to listen without judgement or offer to care for a beloved pet if someone does decide to leave, as few shelters allow animals, and a pet is at risk if left with a perpetrator. Be kind, be available. Think small and manageable.
There is an outpouring of goodwill at Christmas time when those who are alone or lonely are offered gifts, Christmas food and good will. Don’t wait for Christmas. A hamper of food for an elderly person struggling to survive on the pension, or a student unable to make ends meet on a casual wage will appreciate a bit of kindness throughout the year.
The thing about being kind, is that it is good for the giver as well as the receiver. I have started to incorporate the idea of suggesting small acts of kindness as therapy when consulting. We often advise patients about exercise, healthy eating, or meditation. Why not suggest a daily small act of kindness. Pay for someone’s coffee at your café in the morning, notice that your elderly neighbour has been unwell and take out the bins or offer to get them some groceries. Suggest a young mother leave her baby with you for an hour so she can get some time to herself.
The remarkable thing about kindness is that it has physiological benefits for the giver as well as lifting the spirits of the receiver. It boosts serotonin and dopamine and produces feelings of wellbeing. It also releases endorphins and may just reduce pain. Kindness improves self-esteem, improves mood, and can reduce blood pressure, heart rate as well as improving connectivity with others.
I know that I would not have graduated from my medical degree without the small acts of kindness gifted to me by Helen. It is not a surprise to me that she remains in great health at 90, as showing kindness in a balanced way can lead to a longer and healthier life.
Kindness is simple, easy to do, often costs little or nothing and can be health-enhancing. Try it yourself and recommend it to patients. You may just get a student through their degree or change the world in some small way for the better. We often don’t see the ripple effects of our kind acts, but they are there and make a difference.
Jo Skinner is a Brisbane GP, writer and distance runner. Her second novel A World of Silence is available at Hawkeye Publishing and all good bookstores. She writes a monthly newsletter with sections on running, writing and GP wisdom.
